There and Gone

I could have sworn he was right beside me; for years he always had been. Now he’s gone.

I don’t rightly know what it was that drove us apart. Was it my hair or my taste in music? Was I too clingy or maybe not affectionate enough? Something changed. I went from being the apple of his eye to just another stranger on the street.

He guided me and told me that he loved me, but his most recent actions make me wonder if he was ever really capable of love. So much hate and venom from such a small man.

Small? Yes, I dare say that though he is over six feet tall, he is small in all other ways. Small-minded. Small-hearted. Filled with small ideas and the overwhelming urge to make others even smaller than himself.

I used to look up to him with wonder and awe and fear. His temper and his rage frightened me and gave me nightmares. His cruel smacks and cutting, biting words left scars that I never thought would heal.

But they did, and I look upon him with pity.

I am great and strong and mightier than he ever meant me to know. He kept the knowledge that I am capable and enough from me like a miser keeps gold. His only power came from trying to keep a little girl down.

He tried to beat me and bend me to his will. For years, I was afraid it worked.

Now, though, I look down on this small man and wonder what it ever was that I feared in him. I see his petty jabs as what they truly are- a scared, little man trying to make everyone smaller than himself so he can feel in control of something.

For years, I carried him around with me. I carried his barbs and stings and I thought they were right and just- that I somehow deserved them.

I know that isn’t true, and, as I pull the last barb from my heart, I grieve the end of the relationship, wretched though it was, and move along.

I am strong and I am enough.

The Darkness

I’m thinking about it again. The thoughts don’t scare me like they used to. I used to worry about it, but now I think I’m excited.

If I let the darkness in, will the light within me come rushing out? Or, will it be consumed?

Will my final act before my descent into the coming darkness be a beacon to the world? Will I shine that much brighter than ever before, and then collapse inward into nothing?

Will the earth and moon and sun smile down on me as I implode, proud of my final act?

Is it worth it to let the darkness in?

The moment passes, and my thoughts go with it. I sigh and put my smile back on so that I can get through the rest of my day.